Would you threaten to kick her out?
My niece who is 18 year old turning 19 years old in the upcoming weeks wants to get pregnant so her 15 year old boyfriend he turns 16 i think at the end of the school year will have to marry her?I am very concerned her parents are divorced have been since she was 10 yrs old .Since then she has gotten kicked out of 3 different boarding schools and caused so much trouble failing classes,getting arrested for assulting her step mother, and a DUI neither of her parents want to deal with her.I was asked by her mom (my sister) to take her in for her senior year of highschool.Its been a year and half since she’s been living with me. I got her to graduate HS through a lot of nagging and even got her to sign up for classes at the local community college.She seemed to be turning around till i found the ovulation kit and when i confronted her she said she wanted to ensure her bf would have to marry her?Saying he was a good catch and already promised to marry her when he turns 18.
I love my niece very much but if she were to get pregnant i would not be able to help her financially.She does not pay rent as it is or help out around the house but her parents are paying for her tuition as well as sending me some extra cash that goes into buying her food clothing ect.Her bf is a very sweet kid honor roll student want to be a computer engineer who is completley smitten with my niece.
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I wouldn’t threaten, I would just do it. sometimes you just can’t help certain people and why continue undue stress on yourself. PLUS, I’d tell the boys parents and the boy himself. If he’s an honor roll student, he should be smart enough to know that having a child would cause an undue hardship on him, having to work to pay for the child, not going to college on schedule, etc.
talk to him AND his parents, throw her out as hard as it may be to do it. by not doing so, you are enabling her behavior and she knows she doesn’t have to accept any responsibility. her trying to get pregnant proves just that…her thinking is HE’LL have to take care of HER and the baby. Very selfish and very irresponsible. And trust me, once the baby comes, you’ll have a harder time with her and it’ll be harder for you to try and throw her out because you’ll be thinking about the baby.
case in point, my sister. I wish my mother would throw her out. She just turned 22 about 2 wks ago. She has 2 girls, my nieces who I love deeply. The older one just turned 5 this past weekend, the younger will turn 4 in february. She got pregnant 2 months before she turned 15. She didn’t tell us till she was already 4 months pregnant. My mom made her get an abortion anyway because she was so young. My mom trusting her completely and "knowing" that my sis learned her lesson, allowed the same behavior. Well, she got pregnant again at 16. She had just turned 17 when my niece was born. There was a whole lotta drama going on about who the father was etc., and the boyfriend she currently had (who was a candidate for fatherhood) was abusing her and stuff. I told my mom what to do but my mom was under the impression that my sister would "learn" and get out of the relationship and grow up..she was going to have a baby afterall, she HAD to grow up right? My mom never called the cops on this guy, the day I did, he stopped hitting her, but she continued seeing him. This guy was a real ass, called my mom up called her a whore, called my dad up called him a pu$$y and that he wasn’t a real man (my mom and dad are divorced). called my brother up called him a retard (he has a learning disability), would call my sister every name in the book. he never called me up to tell me anything, he was too afraid.
anyway, turned out that he wasn’t the father, another guy was. but now that there was nothing tying my sister to him, she goes and gets pregnant again..at 17. My niece wasn’t even a year old yet. She would even threaten my mom that she was gonna move out. I called her bluff and brought cardboard boxes to pack her crap. Of course she never did and even stopped threatening to leave. This continued till after my sister had my 2nd niece. finally she broke up with the guy but I’m sure she still has sex with him. She practically tells on herself or he’ll call, talk to my mom (which I don’t know why my mom agrees to talk to him) tells her that they were "together". My mom tells herself that they just hung out. My mom, god love her but she lives in la la land.
Now, my sister is at it again, for the past couple months she’s been going out every night…EVERY night. She’s even not come home on occasion (they don’t think I know but I do..I live right behind my mother, I’m not stupid, dead or blind..helloooo) and my mom continues to put up with the behavior. My sister even went out on my niece’s birthday this past weekend. The whole time we were having the little party she was on the phone making her arrangements instead of taking care of things. But my mom allows this. My mom hopes that she’ll change…but this is selfish because the thought is when the person does change you can say it was your doing. But all it really does is enable the person to continue the behavior meanwhile you’re stressed out, getting sick because of it. My mom needs to throw my sister out so that she can accept responsibility for herself, then maybe she’ll grow up. and if she doesn’t, at least we don’t have to stress over it. But my mom won’t do it, her excuse is the girls, she worries about them. But all that’s doing is causing HER to care for the girls while my sister does nothing. I thought this way too, but though it was very VERY hard, I got myself to stop thinking that way because I too was enabling my sister’s responsibility. She figures we’ll do it so why should she have to. She knows the girls will come to my house in the morning, tell me their hungry, and I’ll feed them. I had to train myself to stop doing that. Instead, I tell them "go tell your momma." I’m pretty sure they do but she’s so lazy, she doesn’t get up…and it’s already like 11am. She doesn’t care. I’m pretty sure my mom ends up feeding them instead of telling my sister to do it.
it’s a mess, I’d throw this girl out and tell the boy and his parents. think of the boy too. you wouldn’t want to ruin his life over a selfish niece would you? (not that a baby ruins your life but you know what I mean…he doesn’t deserve that, he deserves better, he deserves to finish out his schooling, become a productive member of society.) if he chooses to marry her when he turns 18, that’s his decision. But I highly doubt he will. in 3 years he’ll have changed his mind, focusing more on school, college AND his future, his goals and his dreams. But let him make that choice, it shouldn’t be made for him.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmonly threaten if you fully intend to go through with the treat if you conditions aren’t met..
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmYou need to let her know that she will be prosecuted for statitory rape, and in all probability will lose custody of her child while serving her prison sentence.
She is an adult, and has the right to make her own choices, and you are an adult as well. She needs to know you love her and want the best for her, but you cannot stand quietly aside with the knowledge that she’s having sex (especially unprotected sex) with a CHILD and trying to make a baby that will also be endangered by her actions.
And then you need to be proactive and let her know you’ll be contacting the boys parents and the police.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmwow thatis a tuffy, she i apparently not grown up enough to care for a child if this young man wants to marry her he will throwing a kid into the picture will not doany good. only complicat things for her sake i hope she does not get pregnant i will be praying for her and your family
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmKicking her out isn’t going to solve the problem I am afraid. Threathening to report her to the police might do more of a trick since she is 19 and he is only 15. Also, if she doesn’t even have a job and neither does he, how do they expect to support a kid? No 15 year old is going to be pin down to a girl much less a baby. He is only smitten by her because he is a teenager and his hormones are raging, when that passes where is that going to leave her. She is certainly sweet maybe, but definitely stupid.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmSit down with her and try to explain that having a baby now isn’t necessarily such a good idea, especially with the boyfriend being so young. If she gets pregnant just so he has to marry her she may be in for a big surprise, especially if he thinks she is on birth control or something. He could end up resenting her and leaving her because of it. Maybe if you explain that to her she will see reason. They have no reason to rush, they are still just kids (though I might not tell her that if I were you). In any event. good luck!
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmset some common ground rules and tell her that the consequences of not following them is she gets kicked out of your home. then follow through.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmTell her you can’t afford her and a baby. Make sure she knows if she gets preg, she’ll have to find a new home.
You could point out he won’t be a good catch when has to quit high school and work somewhere for min wage to pay for her and a baby. She should know he’ll stick around if he loves her, if not, it won’t matter, he’ll just leave anyway.
You’ve done alot for her, don’t be afraid to say enough is enough.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmI don’t know that I would threaten to kick her out, but she really needs to think about what she is doing. trapping a bf into marriage is not going to help her out any especially if he is only 15. he is just a kid. and what are the state laws in your area. if she gets pregnant, she could potentially be charged with statutory rape if he is under age. I would really talk to her, but not judgementally. Tell her there are better options on how to get him to marry her later.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmWhen my step daughter was a teenager she got very stubborn. Reasoning or rationalization really doesn’t work.
You will have to deal with arguments like, "Its my life", "you don’t know me", "you can’t control me", etc. Worst, most of the people, including adults in her life will support her on this. Now before I go too far I first need to address your relationship with her.
Truthfully, your neice should be with her parents. Around that age my problem with my daughter was that I truly had no support from any other adults. So what I mean is that say my sister would interfer (I don’t have a sister but I’m trying to relate to you), and help my daughter do as she wills and get involved, undermining my actions. So the question is are you the Aunte who wanted to let your neiece be herself? Did you get involved thinking you could trust her? Did you involve yourself with her parents in a way that undermined them? I’m if her parents felt you were the problem too.
It takes a whole village to raise a child, and by that I mean the adults and authority figures in your neices life must agree to support one person(s) to raise the child as a team. Nonetheless, you have two or three general options that might work.
Before I go on, I want to digress with a story, when my daughter was about 19 or 20 she wrote me a letter and it read "Dear Dad, You remember all those times you lectured me and tortured me and said that one day I will thank you for all this? Well today is that day, I’m thanking you now." My daughter went on to add that the lesson she learned was that a parent has to teach morals to their child, an idea of what is right and what is wrong.
But raising my daughter was tough, I mean I would ground her, she would sneak out run to a friends house, call an adult family member (who felt I was so out of touch), and drive her wherever in the city she wanted to go. When arrested for shoplifting she called her adult family member to come and console her and cover for her and take her home. But a few weeks later I was suppose to get a letter from the company (I did it was a law suite for stealing), but before it came my daughter was in the ER and then PICU for overdose suicide attempt. I wasn’t really a mean person, I wasn’t even bad to my daughter, but she was a child (emotionally a kid), and by having all these other adults interfere with her life it made my job 10 x more difficult. That adult, that family memember who helped out was the reason my daughter tried to kill herself because she didn’t know how to talk to me. Personally what would I have done, yelled for a few minutes, talked to her, or maybe ground her.
Despite everything that will happen in her life being firm, and loving; being moral and thinking of her best interests is the best way to go. You clearly are thinking of her best interest at this point. So your options might be to return her to the father or mother if they are willing to raise her, but this time do so in full support of the parent. I had a really wild half brother who was harming my 4 year old so I had to transfer custoday to his half brother on the Father’s side. My family didn’t want him, nobody wanted to be involved, but my Mother complains she feels like the Father won control. Bull shet! A child’s best interest is the childs best interest, and as a teenager, a Father or male figure is a really helpful influence. You’ll have to agree as a village (ha ha) to work together and form up your resources to support whoever raises the child. Now that brings me to option two, which includes you getting the parents to start supporting you.
No matter what you are still in the situation of what to do about her ovulation kit! You have a few choices, some ethical and some are just machlivalian. The few things I ever did that really produced results with bad behavior were action oriented. If she came home late for a week, I would sit her down and talk to her, but it didn’t work, but finally I said I wouldn’t talk to her about it anymore and took one shirt and removed it from her wardrobe for two weeks. She swore, and the next night, I removed another shirt, and the next night she was home on time. At a mall she wore a shirt that showed her belly button, and I asked her not to. She did it again, and I asked her not to. She did it a third time and I said that I understand that it was her body and that as a person she had a right to dress as she felt, and then I took my shirt and yanked it up and tied it off in front at the mall (so that my fat belly button showed), and she dropped to her knees and begged me not to dress as I wanted to. She said that the way I dressed affected her, and she wanted me to conform in my dress and actions so I agreed if she would do the same. She has never worn a belly button shirt again. When she was running around all the time and I didn’t know where she was, I went to the parents homes and met every parent of every friend. It was easy because I just befriended one of her former best friends that was now mad at her to tell me. I got every parent name, every child name, pictures, addresses and phone numbers, and invited them to my home and vice versa. Now it was ok for my daughters friends to have their parents pick her up and driver her around or let her sleep over, but now I was connecting parents and breaking down the ease of lying to us.
One thing you can do to make her stop is to go to the boys parents and tell them. Not sure if it will work. Have the boy there if you want. You can try being assertive, and by the way get the boys parents info if you do this so you can call and confirm stories. Like if your neice says she’s sleeping over Cindy’s tonight you can call and ask if their son will be going out tonight. Even if you don’t mention the pregnancy you need to break down her and her friends ability to lie to parents through ignorance of the parents. Think of it like a gang–the kids stick up for eachother and watch eachothers backs, and you parents need to do the same.
I don’t believe any reasoning or talking will help, but you need to do that anyways… It’s important for later in her life to know who to communicate. Another thing is that your neice is commiting statutory rape. This throws in a legal situation that I’m not sure how you will deal with. If she gets pregnant, she can find herself in prison and the baby in the custody of the boys parents. So maybe not such a good idea for her anyways. Once 16 I think he’s open game in most states, but until then he is a minor and your neice is an adult. Ethically as an adult you are suppose to notify the parents and the police. Even if the boy consents his age of 15 and her age of 18 makes this a crime, and each time its a separate crime. Even if nothing happens now, eventually when she gets pregnant the truth will come out and the police do not care anymore if the woman is pregnant in rape cases.
I don’t know what will work, and in some respects you will feel like nothing does. But over time you will find that if you do what is right for her, and are firm and strict, and motherly and tough, and loving she will eventually turn around. While I was quick to mention the discipline and communication, I need to empasize that my daughter’s fondest memories, the ones that bind us together, are those in which I was close and spent time with her. Going out to a circus or park, or boating, or walking or whatever. My daughter eventually went to live with a half sister from Dad’s side for her 17th and 18th years because my wife took ill with Cancer and I couldn’t have her in the house disrupting the family, so I let her go. I felt really bad. I still supported her, but she was hurting her mom emotionally and hurt her health too. So I let her go and felt awful about it. I supported her though. But her half sister had issues too and she dealt with it by not disciplining her or setting rules. Sometimes that girl didn’t go home for a week, and the half sister just let it go out of frustration. Today my daughter recognizes that the half sister does not let her own child do those things as she let her do, so she realizes that a parent is tough and that this half sister never tried to be a parent.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmAn 18 can year old can go to jail for having sex with a person under the age of 16. Look at your state’s laws on age of consent. She can be arrested and thrown in jail for statutory rape if his parents press rape charges against your niece. So she should be prepared to go to jail for a long time and then register as a sex offender for the rest of her life if she gets pregnant by this boy. She should find someone her own age so she doesn’t go to jail and leave the poor boy alone. Yes I’d kick her out. I’d file rape charges against her myself if I found out my 18 year old daughter was having sex with a 15 year old.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmI would let her talk to a detective from your local sex crimes unit and let him explain to her that she will be charged with rape and how that charge will affect her for the rest of her life. I would also get her into therapy as soon as possible!! She is obviuosly trying to fill some sort of void in her life. Sounds like she has abandonment issues since she is trying to make the guy stay with her. It will ruin her life and his. You should tell his parents what she is trying to do. It’s not fair for him to get trapped in a situation like that.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmDo his parent know of this little plan to trap him into marriage? I would make them aware of the pregnancy plan. Also, having been a WILD teen myself- threats mean nothing. If you tell her she has to leave if she does ABC – than you better follow through with XYZ otherwise she’ll run all over you. I’ll keep you in my prayers. really. best wishes.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmI wouldnt threaten I would do it. ask her "Are you outta you F’ing mind!" then throw her ass out
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmShe likes to give ultimatums. I’d kick her out. She sounds like some serious trouble and perhaps some time out in the real world will awaken her.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmTo sum it up, your niece is very selfish and clueless. She needs therapy immediately. Congratulations to you for getting her to finish school and give her room and board.
I would recommend that you make things crystal clear for her and her underage boyfriend (statutory rape?) as follows:
1) You get pregnant you are gone – no room and board.
2) Enforce that education equals freedom. You can get a better job and make money.
3) Talk to the boyfriend (and his parents) and tell him your niece’s master plan. He has a future that may very well end being a father at 15 years old. If he can’t put on a condom he shouldn’t have sex.
4) Check the laws, your niece may be raping this boy.
It is time for tough love and you will not be Miss Congeniality, but many lives will be ruined if you don’t take action.
Good luck.
December 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pm