can someone please help me correct this? i also need to add at least three more sentences?
we are working on the yearbook, and the title is Linked as One; our mascot is the hornet this is what is sounds like:
A single hornet cannot survive alone in nature. Hornets must work as a unit, as a single entity, to ensure that the dominion which they meticulously rule is prosperous. Each and every hornet is vital to the colony. No role is significant; each one is a link in the interconnected chain that works to maintain the success of the colony. The Hornets of Pelham High School may not have realized it in the beginning, but they were all connected in one way or another. Every student, every teacher, every school organization, every member of the community was a relevant part of a whole that intergrated to make the school what it was: an institution to be proud of. Although all seniors must eventually become detached from the chain to continue on the trecherous road called life, the upcoming freshmen will be there to replace the missing links.
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try changing the "they"s to "we"s; that way when people read it they feel connected. And change the past tense to present tense.
November 28th, 2009 at 2:16 amDo it yourself
November 28th, 2009 at 2:16 amSounds good to me, now you just need to wrap it up.
November 28th, 2009 at 2:16 amI would make one small change "No role is significant" sounds like no role is important, might want to change it to "No role is insignificant"?
add in some crap about the circle of life and how we all coexist in support of each other . best i can do but hey that trecherous road called life part is too morbid sounds like the seniors are goin suicidal, is the view of life after H.S. really that bleek your teachers and parents would of hoped they have taught you well enough to survive try arduous journey or something other than that it sounds great!!!
November 28th, 2009 at 2:16 amdon’t speak of the hornets in past tense. And I think you mean no role is insignificant. You say every member of the community was a relevant part of a whole that integrated to make the school what it was, the school is going to continue to be … isn’t it?
November 28th, 2009 at 2:16 amHi there! I have made some corrections for you and did some alterations, hope that will help you
A single hornet cannot survive alone in nature. Hornets must work as a unit, as a single entity, to ensure that the dominion which they meticulously rule is prosperous. Each and every hornet is vital to the colony. No role is significant; each one is a link in the interconnected chain that works to maintain the success of the colony. The Hornets of Pelham High School may not have realized it in the beginning, but they were all connected in one way or the other. Every student, every teacher, every school organization, every member of the community was a relevant part of a whole that integrated to make the school what it was, "An institution to be proud of". Although all seniors must eventually become detached from the chain to continue their journey on the treacherous path known as LIFE. But the upcoming freshmen will be there to replace the missing links by fulfilling their obligations as a important part of the institution. Now considering ourselves as a sincere student and off course a really important part of the institution, we should also realize our responsibility as to set examples for the new ones so that this connection of the whole setup could run smoothly in the future, and by doing so we could assure the reputation of our school as " An institution to be proud of" in future too.
Note: Don’t make any mistake while copying it. If you want to add more things into it just let me know and I’ll help
God Bless
November 28th, 2009 at 2:16 am