is this a good personal statement?

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i am senior in high school and i am writing a paper for my app. to Mills college. Can you tell me if this is a good essay? what should i add/change? how is my grammar?

I grew up in Pasadena CA , a city with fewer then 200,000 residents, as the middle of three children. I have an nineteen year old brother attending Citrus College . I also have a sixteen year old sister currently attending Blair IB Magnet High School. I grew up in a single parent home, in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. My mother works heard as the Activity Director at Arcadia Royal, a retirement home in Arcadia CA. I am of biracial background, my mother is African American and my father is Philippine and African American. I attended Blair IB Magnet in Pasadena , a small school with fewer then 2,000 students. My summers are spent in Upward Bound. During the school year my Saturday mornings are spent at Cal State Los Angles in an Upward Bound class learning about how to get to college and how to excel once I’m there. I am also apart of the WIA program, which placed me in an ROP class that corresponds with the major I plan on taking while in college. They also provided me with a paid internship at that corresponds with the carrier path I plan to pursuing in the future.
The Upward Bound Program provided me with the support I needed in preparation for college entrance. The program also provided me with an opportunity to succeed in my pre-college performance and in my pursuit of higher education. The program server’s high school student from low-income families of which neither parents attended college. The goal of Upward Bound is to increase the rate of low-income high school students attending college. They have provided me with assistance in mathematics, literature, science, art, and foreign language. They also provided after school tutoring, mentoring, and a personal counselor.
Before I entered the Upward Bound Program in the summer prior to my 9th grade year in high school I was extremely anti-social and always afraid of what others thought about me. Thought the Program I learned to be more open to new ideas and to push myself toward my goals. I was never comfortable with asking questions or raising my hand in class though fear that I would say the wrong thing and lose the approval of my peers. Before I entered the program my study habits where never good I would wait till the last minuet before doing home work or practicing for a quiz or test. Through Upward Bound my attitude toward school and personality have changed drastically. I am no longer afraid of what people might think. I am also prepared to ask or answer any questions asked.
Upward Bound was brought to my attention by my older brother who attended the program before I did. Also by my uncle who was once a student and is now the director of Upward Bound and Educational Talent Search Programs (TRiO). Getting into the Program was an easy process all that was required of me was to fill out a simple application stating who I was and verifying my household income, I was also required to write a one page paper stating why I should be accepted and how I plan to use my Upward Bound experience. When I received my acceptance letter from Upward Bound I was afraid to enter as a friendless ninth grader who shyness kept me on the outside of every social circle. The idea that I would have to spend six weeks of my summer on a college campus with students from all over my community in which I have never met made me even more unsure never the less I stuck to my commitments and prepared to meet new friends. After my first day I came to the realization that most the kids were just as afraid as I was.
Prior to starting the Upward Program High School was my fear and college was never an option. The program showed me that if I set goals I can reach them if I am determined, also to be open minded. The program also tough me to ask questions when I don’t fully understand the subject matter, or when receiving a bad or unfair grade. Through my academic experiences I’ve gained in Upward Bound I have become a more outgoing person. I now enjoy laughing and joking with my friends. My goals in life have changed drastically from not only short term goals like finishing my homework and studying for a test but to long term goals like high school graduation and college entrance. Through my personal changes I’ve gained plenty of new experiences from life. The program provided me with a supportive and positive environment for me to learn and grow in.

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3 Responses to “is this a good personal statement?”

  1. 1
    maliboo_girl Says:

    The content is very good! However, it needs some work on formatting and some compression (editing out what isn’t needed).

    The best thing you can do is to speak to the college counselor or English teacher at Blair, or see if there are any college workshops around you can attend. There was just one at the Hastings Branch library (near Pasadena High):
    http://www.ci.pasadena.ca.us/EkContent.aspx?theme=Olive&id=4039&bid=3008#at
    Call them and find out when the next one is, if any other libraries will be having one, or if someone could give you help. Lots of kids in Pasadena go to workshops to get help with their personal essays, you should get help too, so you can be competitive!

    Best wishes to you, I hope you get into Mills!

  2. 2
    JACK RABBIT Says:

    congratulations ………..you need to time .only you can tell how is it ..??who know ????im sure you can do better ….im sure you will be ….good luck and sometime art is same with a unknown love …..dont ask about grammer …..and other thing ..like style …any body cant help you ..only yours .,..i think wrong way is better than right way of others mind …..then belive to yours .,.do it .and do it egain …….i bet which you are one of the best ……….

  3. 3
    momomo Says:

    good job! you’re a good writer.

    Paragraph 1
    -My mother works HARD
    -Los Angeles
    -I am also a part of the WIA
    -a paid internship that corresponds with the career path I plan

    Paragraph 2
    -The program serves high school students
    -They also provided after-school tutoring

    Paragraph 3
    -Through the Program I learned
    -through fear that I would say the wrong thing
    -my study habits were never good. I would wait till the last minute -before doing homework
    -I am also prepared to ask or answer any questions.

    Paragraph 4
    -My uncle, once a student and now the director of Upward Bound and Educational Talent Search Programs (TRiO), told me about it as well. -was an easy process. All that was required was a simple application
    -I was afraid to enter as a friendless ninth grader whose shyness
    -campus with students I’d never met made me even more unsure.
    -Nevertheless I stuck to my commitments.

    Paragraph 5

    -Prior to starting the Upward Program High School was my fear and college was never an option. This needs change
    -The program showed me that if I set goals I can reach them if I am determined, also to be open minded. This needs change
    -The program also taught me to ask
    -Through the academic experiences I’ve gained
    -short term goals long term goals these may need dashes -Through my personal changes I’ve gained plenty of new experiences.
    -environment for me to learn and grow.

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